...

Someone dim the lights. Someone turn off the noise. I can think with this emotional migraine splitting my skull. I need some strong medication to dull out the pain.

I really have problems. I have become so wrapped up. I like, want, and value so much about him. Can't think of much else.

I was asked questions tonight in talk with a friend. They asked me what I wanted in my future, What I live for, What I WANT to live for. I had no real answers. What i wanted? Well, all I could think was, "give plasma tomorrow for money" long term , they clarified. I couldn't think. What do I live for? Blank... all I could think was... a hot shower, the escape from it all. And lastly, what I want to live for... well, I knew I wanted to live for good things... for any reason really.

Truth is, I've lost sight of what "I" want and need. I have lost reasons to get up. Things to live for. I used to live for him but now even that is gone. Nothing mine is going well and nothing going well is mine.

I must organize and reconcile these jumbled thoughts.

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now, then

Oh how I wish I were insightful. A treasure to the world with pearls of wisdom. Truth be told, I write entries full of self discovery, of upset and of complete fluff. This is such an entry.

There are some factors in my life that I have allowed keep me in a state of immaturity. I have stayed stagnant in my social growth since my divorce. Believe it or not, there was a time, a beautiful, yet rocky, learning-from-trials-dust-yourself-off-and-go, time. I was developing. I was a woman with values, making choices, deciding new paths to forge. I had priorities, I had passions. I went into a dark age then. I came out smiling, ignoring everything that could make the woman cry. It was easy. Keeping busy, that was the key. Distraction, distraction, distraction. Anything was possible if I never had to face the problems. Now, what am I?

I am ready to stop the extremes. I can't live that way. I must admit to myself I can be mature. I have been so many times. It feels good to do the impulsive, emotionally justified responses. It never ends the way I want.

So what am I doing now eh? sitting on my hands while someone else controls my changes? I am my own master. I do what is best for me. Time to find that out.

Poison evacuation

Evacuate the mind of all my poison.
The stink of evil ruminating in the atmosphere.
Stench of past, once marinating me;
Every step, disowned like the lecher, cut out like gangrene.
Hell is the place I go when I justify the wrong.
Torture in the lie.
LET ME GO! You DEVIL inside, LET ME BE!
Always in control of the pain I have caused.
Choosing, carefully, these next few steps.

True.

Look directly into the face of truth,

what a mirror holds in reflection. 

Daylight, the source of light to walk by.

Questions full of bias, answer with fact.

That piece of self staring back.
Right and wrong becoming the standard.

More than this...

A strike of recognition.
Home.
You, more than you, more than me, more than us, more than we,
more than this.
Paths ahead, tangible in its course.
Unknown abundant.
Looking forward, smiling.
Arms tangled, arms entwined,
ready for adventure.