now, then

Oh how I wish I were insightful. A treasure to the world with pearls of wisdom. Truth be told, I write entries full of self discovery, of upset and of complete fluff. This is such an entry.

There are some factors in my life that I have allowed keep me in a state of immaturity. I have stayed stagnant in my social growth since my divorce. Believe it or not, there was a time, a beautiful, yet rocky, learning-from-trials-dust-yourself-off-and-go, time. I was developing. I was a woman with values, making choices, deciding new paths to forge. I had priorities, I had passions. I went into a dark age then. I came out smiling, ignoring everything that could make the woman cry. It was easy. Keeping busy, that was the key. Distraction, distraction, distraction. Anything was possible if I never had to face the problems. Now, what am I?

I am ready to stop the extremes. I can't live that way. I must admit to myself I can be mature. I have been so many times. It feels good to do the impulsive, emotionally justified responses. It never ends the way I want.

So what am I doing now eh? sitting on my hands while someone else controls my changes? I am my own master. I do what is best for me. Time to find that out.

Poison evacuation

Evacuate the mind of all my poison.
The stink of evil ruminating in the atmosphere.
Stench of past, once marinating me;
Every step, disowned like the lecher, cut out like gangrene.
Hell is the place I go when I justify the wrong.
Torture in the lie.
LET ME GO! You DEVIL inside, LET ME BE!
Always in control of the pain I have caused.
Choosing, carefully, these next few steps.